THE NOBLE QUEST OF FORGIVENESS

" A willingness to understanding is the beginning...

When there is understanding, compassion can arise.

When there is compassion, forgiveness can arise.

When there is forgiveness, peace can arise.

When there is peace, unconditional love can arise

And then, anything is possible. "

Julie Chimes


FORGIVENESS THE 4x4 ESSENTIAL STEPS

With more stitches than Frankenstein's bride following a frenzied knife attack, one of the most difficult aspects of my story for some individuals to comprehend was how I could remain in a state of forgiveness - and not just towards my assailant. If we think we have forgiven someone but still hold on to feelings of anger, betrayal, grievance and sadness, we are only part of the way there. Forgiveness is a profound and complex subject and it is a journey that can be instantaneous or it can take a lifetime. In essence I know there are four areas of forgiveness.

FORGIVENESS TOWARDS OTHER PEOPLE
FORGIVENESS TOWARDS OURSELF
FORGIVENESS TOWARDS OUR SOCIETIES & INSTITUTIONS
FORGIVENESS TOWARDS GOD/THE UNIVERSE

Within each of these layers of forgiveness there are four essential steps to be taken to find true and lasting peace.

WILLINGNESS
UNDERSTANDING
COMPASSION
FORGIVENESS

The act of forgiving must be unconditional. It is not about offering a comfort blanket to perpetrators of crime - in fact it has nothing whatsoever to do with those who we perceive have harmed us.

My Journey of Forgiveness

Even though the moment the knife entered my chest and I experienced the greatest explosion of understanding, compassion, forgiveness and love pouring out of every cell of my being, in the aftermath there was much work to be done in other areas of my life.

Whilst recovering I received some appalling treatment and had much heartache. My mother could not forgive or forget. She had been Miss Great Britain, beauty was everything so to see her own daughter disfigured by injuries to the face and neck was intolerable. Her sensitivity was such that she could cry all night over a sparrow with a broken wing, so her tears for my pain were unstoppable. This ultimately led to a nervous breakdown, which her third husband, another destructive stepfather blamed on me. He decided that I was to be banished from their lives on the misguided assumption that if she didn't see me then somehow everything would be forgotten. She and I met in secret of course, but the strain was terrible. She became a very sad and ill woman and left this world far too early. The night of her funeral my stepfather asked for my forgiveness, whilst telling me what he wanted for his dinner. For a moment I felt a surge of pure rage and actually wanted to kill him for what he had done, but thankfully I could see a 'bigger picture' and saw his utter desolation and bleak, cold, selfish view of life. Thank God compassion arose in my heart making forgiveness possible. In that moment I learnt that to forgive does not mean we have to like a person.

My assailant, who was found not guilty of attempted murder on the grounds of diminished responsibility was considered to be mentally stable enough to issue a writ against my ex partner, which led to her being awarded an out of court settlement by insurers over five times greater than my own. These insurers considered this to be a more cost-efficent solution than a trial that could drag on for years. She had one stitch and I had over 32 stab wounds and some 500 stitches. I found it very hard to forgive the lawyer who took my arm and route-marched me out of the 'star-chamber' hearing refusing to listen to my evidence because of 'client confidentiality'. I only wanted to ask how they could take seriously the allegations of a woman, who had set out to murder because of instructions received from the blinking eyes of her dog and psychic messages sent to her by the French President? Hello? So much pain is caused because of legal, financial and social systems that refuse to hear the truth because of what it could cost them. We do not have structures in place that reward integrity or encourage us to take responsibility for our lives. We have created a societies where 'victimhood' and playing the system is far more rewarding than speedy recoveries! My own lawyer 'told me off' for looking too well and was furious with me when I refused to sue my partner, who incidently had been found to have done nothing wrong but had, in the eyes of the law, the best insurance policy to 'hit for compensation'. My solicitor step-father refused to help or support me in any way because of this choice. I was punished for having integrity.

FORGIVING MYSELF

During the days and hours leading up to the attack, I absolutely knew something was in the wind. With the gift of 20/20 hindsight I can see that there were warnings and yet I ignored my own needs and intuition, because I was too busy and did not trust my inner wisdom. For a long time I did secretly blame myself for ignoring the alarm bells and mishandling aspects of the aftermath. It was agonising for me to see my mother's devestation and I felt so guilty that it was because of me. It took a long time and many years of inner work to root that poison out of my system and to fully forgive myself.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT ABOUT CONDONING WRONGDOINGS

There is a lot of confusion about forgiveness. We do not have to condone outrageous behaviour, hopelessly biased social, legal and political structures and it has nothing to do with tolerating cruelty or staying with those who in their ignorance would harm or manipulate us. As a modern Indian saint eloquently explained, when we offer our forgiveness with a pure heart it can never replace the fact that repentance must arise in the heart of the other person. There comes a moment when they must confront their acts of ignorance. Forgiveness is not a comfort blanket offered to make others feel better about themselves. When and how perpetrators of harm face themselves with true remorse is actually none of our business. But, when it is offered without condition it can have the power to dispel the darkest clouds of hatred.

FORGIVENESS IS A JOURNEY

We need tremendous courage to break the cycle of hatred, revenge and retribution in our lives, societies and world. As I lay in intensive care the sound of voices around me arguing over who was to blame made me feel so ill all the alarms monitoring my vital signs went off and the visitors who had come to make me feel better were asked to leave! To this day I cannot be around those who seek to blame. I decided back then to channel all of my frustration and rage into a higher use, and have dedicated my life to revealing the Light within, the only place where we can make sense of the apparent 'outer' madness. I have learnt that the ability to forgive always follows a very clear path. Forgiveness is not an intellectual process and neither is it the sole property of the religious domains. It is a universal quality, that must be cultivated and can only truly be present when there is genuine understanding. This allows the mysterious force known as compassion to arise within us, which leads to forgiving. The reward is profound peace.

I am currently working on a book about all aspects of forgiveness, because my wish is to give back everything I have discovered about this noble subject. I welcome your stories, quotes, questions and insights.

If you click the following link you can contribute to our online Forgiveness Forum.